It’s been a month since my last post on my 21 Day No Complaints, No Excuses experiment, so I thought you might like an update.

According to the ticker on my desktop that I got from acomplaintfreeworld.org, I’ve gone ten days now without complaining or making an excuse. That’s my longest record yet. (Remember, it takes 21 days to form a habit, I’m nearly half-way there!) How am I doing it? By redefining what a complaint is. 😉

Here are some things that I’ve thought about when it comes to defining what a complaint really is. Much of this has come from feedback here, on twitter, and facebook…

  1. You know that feeling you get deep down inside… Not to sound like a noir detective writer, but you know that fire that burns in the pit of your stomach? That’s the feeling you’re trying to avoid. When you complain, you get all fired up, but there’s no release because you haven’t done anything about it. So you complain, or ‘release steam’ at someone else, but nothing’s any better, and now that unlucky recipient probably feels bad, too.
  2. Look for clues in the receiving party… Don’t get me wrong, ‘releasing steam’ is sometimes warranted, but two things must happen: First, the person at the receiving end must be truly receptive. Second, they should be someone who is able and willing to help you. It’s your job to read the body language. You ever have someone approach you and want to complain? You have a lot of things to do, and you just want them to go away. You try not to be completely rude, so you try to go about your day, while they follow you like a lost puppy, nattering away about their so-called troubles, and you really wish you hadn’t left the iPod in the car. Don’t be that person that is chasing people down to complain to! Trust me, they don’t want to hear it. Now, finding someone in a similar situation, someone that has been through it before, someone who can actually help? That’s who you want to find, and work with, to find answers.
  3. Remember, you can’t change anyone else but yourself… Do you have someone in your life that annoys the crap out of you? Whether it’s a co-worker, in-law, neighbor, etc. I bet you can think of a few people you could live without. But whatever they’ve got going on that frustrates you, it’s their problem, not yours. You have to find a way to shift the way you think about them, maybe even pity them, in order to bring your internal feelings about them in to balance.
  4. Humor is one thing, just make sure you’re funny… Charles Schulz once said, ‘You can’t create humor out of happiness.’ Humor comes from lampooning what we’re frustrated with. How many stand-up comedians do you enjoy that talk about the beauty and miracle of life? How many do you enjoy that blast the politicians you love to hate? How many do routines on the frustration of running out of toilet paper? Of bad bosses? Laughter is the best medicine, but there’s a fine line between humor and rudeness or meanness. I’ve been called out a couple of times on twitter for complaining when I thought I was being ironic or funny. But did I have an effect (if brief) on that person that sent out a negative feeling? I have to make sure I’m funny…

So these things are at the core of why complaining can be a problem, and how I’ve just about eliminated it all together. You’re looking for changes in your body. Your body tells you whether you feel good or not, but your brain, barring any actual chemical imbalance problems, is still logical. If you’re feeling bad, what does it take to make you feel better? Sometimes the best thing to do is give yourself a time-out. Grab a cup of coffee (or caramel) and sit by yourself for a bit. Think about what’s truly bothering you. Sometimes just letting your mind drift will often give you the answers you seek. But, if you’re spending energy complaining to someone who can’t help you, you’re just focusing your energy on the problem, rather than the quest for the solution.

No Excuses.

Even more than complaining, making excuses has been a crutch for me for a very long time. How many times in your life has everything gone exactly as planned? I don’t know that I can think of a single time. Things have gone smoothly, but not exactly as planned. Once you realize this and really internalize that fact, you’ll be more prepared to deal with the obstacles life throws at you. It’s these obstacles that help us grow and learn. What would we learn if everything went exactly as planned?

It helps to think of yourself as a child. As you raise kids, do they start running? Or do they start by crawling? Even that’s a struggle at first! We are all still children. Sure, we’ve learned things, but there’s always so much more to learn. Feel free to make mistakes, just don’t make the same mistake twice! Learn, feel, grow.

Allow yourself to fall.

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